She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
