I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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