Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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