we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
