I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
