I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
