There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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