I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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