I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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