my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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