i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
