I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
