You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
