I could have mohawked her pubes.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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