No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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