I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
