Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
