I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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