can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
