I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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