My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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