New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
