listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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