How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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