nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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