I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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