Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
