Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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