Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
