I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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