I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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