Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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