Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
