You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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