So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
