Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
