I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
