i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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