I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He passed out mid-signature
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
