About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
