My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
