Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
