who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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