I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
