I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
