I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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