I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
