Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You smell like stripper and shame
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
