I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
