apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
