So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
