I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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